


i might just slip away

by eyehategod



Category: Nine Inch Nails (Band), The Downward Spiral - Nine Inch Nails (Album)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Psychological Trauma, Transformation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2020-10-05 22:55:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 3,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20496704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eyehategod/pseuds/eyehategod
Summary: based on the downward spiralhttps://youtu.be/J_eGtGdhHbIhttp://www.nin.wiki/The_Downward_Spiral_(halo)





	1. Mr. Self Destruct/Intro

Trent sucked his thumb anxiously as he watched his mummy talk to the big scary policeman at the door. She looked more tired, old, and tattered than he had ever seen her, tears dripping down her face. She walked up to him and kneeled to his height, hugging him tightly. “O-Oh, Trent… Sweetheart, your daddy… isn’t going to be around anymore…” Trent’s eyes went huge. “W-why not, mummy?”, he asked shakily. Trent woke up. Fuck, he had fallen asleep in class again. He started to sketch Annie, with her beautiful long whitish blonde hair and the brown highlights, her freckles and bangs and porcelain-like pale skin. She looked like an angel, and, in many ways, she was one for Trent. She was like his salvation, _ the only thing that kept him from going totally insane _.__

_ __ _

It was a long story... Trent had been the sweetest little boy you would ever meet. His parents were both very good, kind people, and he wanted more than anything to be just like his father, a local policeman, when he grew up. He was a very well-adjusted, social child, and he loved his parents fiercely. Every day, he waited at home with his mother as his dad worked, and he always got home at five-thirty. Until one day when he didn’t. Trent tried not to worry too much; he probably just had to stay late working on a case and would be home soon, certainly by six o'clock. Then, it was six, and he still wasn’t home. Trent paced around the living room, anxiously awaiting his father's return. Midnight, and his dad still hadn’t returned home. It wasn’t until the next day that Trent and his mother found out he had died.

Something changed inside sixteen-year-old Trent after that. He didn’t smile as much anymore, and the sparkle had left his green-tinted chocolate brown eyes. He let his black hair grow out until it reached his shoulders, not even bothering to wash it anymore. He stopped talking to the other kids at school after that, except her. She was the neighbor girl, a fair-skinned, freckled dirty blonde named Annie. Trent was infatuated with Annie. She was beautiful, sweet, innocent, everything he had ever dreamed of. Their love was strong and passionate, and he would have done anything to protect her.

Sighing, he put away the drawing of Annie and somehow got through the rest of the school day. Then, he walked behind the high school, where they usually met up, and she was there. With another boy, a muscular blonde tan one with short hair and blue eyes. They were kissing as though they were connected at the lips. His hands were stroking her hair like Trent’s hands were supposed to be doing, she was moaning and melting into his arms that were supposed to be Trent’s arms. His mouth fell open, tears building up in his eyes. Annie detached herself from the boy, stuttering as she tried to explain the betrayal to Trent, but her words didn’t even register with him in his current state. He fell to his knees, feeling rigid metal pulsate through his bones as if he was turning into a poor animatronic imitation of the sweet, innocent boy he used to be. A static-ridden voice manifested itself deep within his head. He had never heard anything even vaguely like it before in his life. “She never gave a fuck about you.”, it growled. He whimpered, knowing the voice was right.

A raw, animalistic pain tore through his body as he sobbed, not even caring about Annie rushing to his side and attempting to comfort him. This would never get better. It would always hurt like this. His vision began to fade out. Straining his eyes to see just a bit, he glanced down at his arm, and, with his warped perception and vision, saw metal parts. He looked at Annie and saw a rotting corpse lunging towards him as, in reality, she tried to embrace him. The pain sliced at what was left of his heart, red-hot and intense. Trent couldn’t feel or see or do anything but strain as he tried not to listen to the overwhelming static of the voice inside his aching head. He was no longer Trent. He was Mr. Self-Destruct, nihilistic masochist out to destroy that boy who had kissed Annie. “That wasn’t just any boy.”, the voice informed him. “That was the Ruiner.” “W-who’s the Ruiner?”, he asked it, eyes widening with child-like fear. “He’s the source of all evil in the world.”, it hissed. He knew what he had to do, what his life's purpose was. He had to destroy the Ruiner.


	2. Piggy

The next day, the static-ridden voice in Trent’s head was back. “PIG!”, it taunted him until he felt as though he was going to cry. Trent couldn’t stand this noise inside his head anymore. He glanced down at his arm. The few chewed-through wires seemed to dance and spark, the metal fingernails tapping nervously on his wooden desk. What was happening to him? He found himself drawing Annie again, but differently this time. The lines were less smooth, less orderly, and he wrinkled up the sheet of notebook paper he had drawn it on after he had finished.

The entire class stared at him as he held back tears and threw the wrinkled-up drawing into the garbage can. The teacher, however, just ignored him and continued her lecture on whether George Washington was a good choice as the first president of the United States. If Trent had been paying attention, he would have learned that Washington, in retrospect, may not have been the best choice, but worked out in the end. But all he could think about was Annie. He dug his fingernails into his thigh so hard that it bled, even through his jeans. He was all alone, abandoned by Annie, the only person he had trusted enough to love since his father’s death all those years ago. 

“You’re not alone, Mr. Self-Destruct.”, the voice reminded him. “You have me. And you’ll have Annie again, too. Just listen to me and do as I say, and she’ll be yours again.”


	3. Heresy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might seem anti-religion, but I swear it isn't.  
I'm cool with religion. <3  
Also, part of this chapter was *VERY* loosely based on this: https://youtu.be/CcnzvIM5XX0

“T-Trent?”, his mother called cautiously from outside the door to his room, a hint of fear in her shaky voice. He whimpered in response, which she took as a cue to come in. Her heart sank as she looked at Trent’s pale, sickly, skeletal form, foreign and laid out on a bed he had torn the sheets off from. This wasn’t her son. Trent was never like this. Swallowing back tears, she forced herself to make eye contact with him. “P-please… get dressed for church, s-sweetie.”, she almost whispered, fleeing the room immediately after she had finished the sentence. Barely aware of what he was doing, he trudged across the room to his closet and pulled out a dusty light blue suit.

The car ride was almost normal for Trent’s mother, although her son was eerily quiet throughout it. When they approached the church parking lot, Trent stumbled out of the car, walked into the church, and sat down in his family’s usual pew. He looked to the front of the room and saw the Ruiner on a cross, bleeding and smiling down at him. He saw a needle and thread being passed around in the collection basket, everyone in the church smiling at each other as they took turns sewing their own eyes shut. When Trent got the basket, he immediately passed it to his mother with unsteady hands. She gave him a dirty look for not putting money in the basket, but he didn’t care. 

Everyone in the church seemed to be smiling unsettlingly at Trent, whispering to each other as their eyes darted around the room. The voice buzzed in his head again, but this time, he couldn’t quite make out what it was saying. And that’s when he saw her. Annie, in the pew directly in front of him. She kept glancing at him, tears accumulating in her eyes each time she looked. Trent wondered why she was so upset.


	4. march of the pigs

Trent stood outside his high school, staring fearfully at the intimidating tan building. Some girls whispered and giggled behind him, and he immediately assumed they were talking about him. He watched as the other students marched into the school, teachers on the side to criticize their line formation. It was all too much for Trent. He quivered at the sight of all the smiling students, the students who were unable to hear the static in Trent’s head. He didn’t understand how they couldn’t hear it; it was so motherfucking loud. 

God, he wanted the noise to go away, the school to go away, the world to go away. Everything but him and Annie, and they could finally be happy again, and then maybe his transformation from human to machine would finally stop. But Annie was still down the hallway, talking and giggling with some other girls, and he was still made up of wires. He wanted to punch himself, but his metal skin wouldn’t bruise. He wanted to scream, but his vocal cords had been ripped out by the voice, by Mr. Self-Destruct. 

Mandy found him that evening passed out in a dirty ditch. She was a dangerous girl, clever and corrupted, doused in sickly-sweet flowery perfume. Her eyes were a startling green, her skin was very pale and oddly smooth, and her hair, so black it looked blue, had straight-across bangs and fell in waves to just above her shoulders. She knew Trent was desperate and lonely. She had heard the rumors and stories about Annie, and she wouldn’t mind some sex and money right now, so she went for it. “You alright?”, she asked in a faux-innocent voice, batting her long dark eyelashes. Trent, in his dazed state, thought she was Annie. He kissed her passionately, since it had been so long, and she melted into the kiss. Something felt strange, but Trent just ignored it.  
He knew it was Annie, and Annie would never trick him. Not again.


	5. closer to god

The next day, Mandy took Trent to the school’s boiler room and made out with him. His suspicions began to increase as she kissed him. Her lips weren’t like Annie’s. Annie’s lips were soft and full, always with just a little bit of peach lip gloss on them, but not too much. These lips were chapped, and an excess amount of cherry lip gloss coated them. As soon as the girl kissed Trent, he pulled away. Trent didn’t like change. Change always meant something bad. His father’s death had been a change, he was changing from a human to a machine, and now Annie was changing too? The static buzzed in his head, telling him to look at Annie again, so he did. This girl, whoever she was, wasn’t Annie.

The pain again, almost as white-hot and electric as he had felt it when he had found Annie just months before, seared through him. “You’re… you’re not Annie…”, he whimpered like a scared little kid who had been approached by the playground bully on the first day of kindergarten. He leaned in and kissed her again, rough and raw and fueled by hate and pain. Maybe it wasn’t fair to hate this girl. Maybe she and Trent weren’t so different after all. She dug her acrylic nails into his shoulders, making him wince. He didn’t know how her fingers could dent metal so easily like that, as though it were flesh. Trent had been broken multiple times throughout his sixteen-year life, and tonight, he felt his last little bits of humanity, morality, and innocence leave his body, as though not-Annie was sucking them out with each of her hateful kisses, leaving him gasping for air.

Once they had finished in the boiler room, not-Annie left, never to say a word to Trent again. She had used him, knowing that he was currently in a time of crisis. Trent mentally slapped himself. He should be expecting this by now. Hadn’t he been hurt by enough people in the past to learn? He tried to cry, but the tears refused to form in his eyes.


	6. The Ruiner

This semester, Trent had to sit next to The Ruiner himself in first period. The first fucking class of the day, when he had just barely woken up. That wasn’t very fair, Trent thought. He stared at the other boy, trying to see through his diabolical plans to steal Annie and further corrupt society. A boy walked into class a bit late and waved at him. A girl walked in just after, stared, and blushed. How was this monster tricking all these people into believing that he was some kind of god? Who the fuck did he think he was?

Trent glared at the Ruiner, staring in awe and disgust at his perfect, perfect muscles. He blinked and snapped himself out of it. None of these kids who worshipped him knew the monster behind the mask, who he really was. 

Meanwhile, Annie sat on the curb by the dumpster behind the school building and sobbed. She was pregnant, holy fucking shit, she was sixteen and she was pregnant, and it was Trent’s. Under normal circumstances, she would’ve gotten an abortion, but she felt like Trent was slipping away, going somewhere where she couldn’t follow, and she knew this child was the only way she could hold on to part of him. Was all this mental breakdown really because that douchebag had forced a kiss on her, and Trent had walked in? No, it couldn’t be that. She had explained that situation to him a million times over the past couple months. But then again, Trent never seemed to be listening to her. He was always spacing out nowadays, and getting these strange expressions on his face. She decided to try to tell him about the baby, but didn’t really expect him to even hear her.


	7. the becoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The shit really starts to go down in this chapter

"Trent, I'm pregnant, and it's yours." To Trent, her face seemed to split open mid-sentence, revealing a hideous corpse like the one he had seen lunging towards him when he had caught her betraying him. The words barely registered with him, but he knew whatever she had said wasn't good. So he tried to run away, but his movements were slow and mechanical, and he ended up falling over and staring up at her helplessly, unable to control this new robotic body. She waved her hand in front of his face. "Trent? Trent, are you okay?"

His entire body stung, and the static-ridden voice was back in his head, warning him that Annie was up to no good. "Trent? I... I don't know what's happened to you. I'm scared for you, Trent, and for me, and for our baby..." Tears welled up in her eyes. Trent's physical pain subsided, but the new feeling of numbness and wires was even worse. At least the pain had let him know that he was still human. But now, he wasn't sure. 

"I... I love you, Trent, I really do.", she told him sincerely, but the static drowned her out. To Annie, it seemed as though Trent was millions of miles away from her, although she was standing right in front of him. He tried to plug his ears, but the sound just got louder as he tried harder not to listen to it. Filled with confused emotions, fear, and passionate love, he collapsed onto her, embracing her as though it would kill him to let go. She held onto him tightly, for fear of where he might be going.


	8. i do not want this

Trent didn't even feel Annie's gentle touch on his skin. He felt as though he was constantly falling into a black hole, unable to pull himself back up and get on the ground again. He let out a whimper, a desperate, animalistic sound. Shakily jumping to his feet, he turned and ran home, ignoring Annie's hysterical cries. 

The first thing Trent did when he got home was dig his nails into his own skin, harder than he ever had before, until it was punctured. He didn't even feel the blood pouring from the wound, as steady as the waterfalls of tears pouring from his eyes. His vision was blurry as he fell back onto the bed. Annie's face was all he could see when he closed his eyes, pale and fair and beautiful and enraging. He hated her, right? Foggy memories told him that he didn't hate Annie, that once he had loved her. He tried to reach out and grab those memories, but they were too far away for him to really recall.

Oh god, this isn't how Trent wanted things to be. This couldn't be his permanent state, he didn't want to live like this, couldn't live like this any longer. There was a knock on his bedroom door. "T-Trent, sweetheart?", his mother managed to plead, exhausted and in tears on the other side of the door. "I-I know you're going through a tough time right now, and-" She didn't know, Trent thought. She had no fucking idea what he was going through. She could never understand.

He pulled the bedsheets over his head, tuning his mother out and trying to remember his life before Mr. Self Destruct and The Ruiner, but everything was a blur. "Trent, your father and I care about you...", he heard his mother claim. There wasn't anything in the universe except pain. His mother was trying to help him, part of him understood, but she never could. She didn't know how it felt to be sick, so sick that you didn't care that you were sick. 

Maybe the sickness was all that Trent had at this point. Annie was gone, his sanity was gone, God was gone, his friends were gone (if he had ever even had any). "I want to know everything...", he whispered through his teeth. I want to be everywhere, he thought. I want to fuck everyone in the world, he wrote in Sharpie on his bedroom wall, not caring that his mother would throw a fit. I want to do something that matters, he pleaded, from deep within his soul.


End file.
